Dating as a Christian sucks. I hate it.
I've been to multiple churches, where I listen to single Christian men speak (often at length) about their desire to marry. They say they want to pursue a woman. They want a woman who seeks God's heart. They want a godly marriage. They want....to stealthily observe a woman for six months--from a distance, mind you--before approaching her to ask her out for the first time. After all, church isn't the place to date.
I find several things very frustrating about this scenario, but let's just start with one of them.
Let's talk about this six months of non-consensual dating nonsense. If you are interested in a woman...talk to her. Smile at her. Strike up a conversation and see if you hit it off. Ask her to get a cup of coffee. Or dinner. We don't think that's a proposal of marriage. When the Christian subculture places so much weight on a date, it's intimidating. I understand why a man might be hesitant to ask a woman out until he's sure he is interested, but I fear this practice promotes the search for perfection many Christian singles (a search I'll confess I am sometimes guilty of... but it's something I'm working on) seem bent on. If you're watching with an eye towards faults, you will find them.
Many of us brought up in the Church are guilty of trying to maintain our "church faces" when we find ourselves in the midst of other Christians. We try to look bright-eyed and shiny, speak softly and encouragingly, and act with propriety. But there's a problem there. I'm not perfect. I'm so not perfect that I can't even keep up the facade of perfection. And even trying is absolutely exhausting. For whatever reason, (me? them? timing?) it just hasn't worked out so far. I know Christian guys feel the pressure too, in different ways, and I think that pressure is incredibly damaging. They're told that girls get too involved, and that almost any interaction is enough to make us hear wedding bells (that's a post for another day). They must think that an invitation to coffee will be taken as a serious move on their part, so I can't blame them for not making a move with women in real life.
So what is a busy grad school student who can't seem to find an interested Christian guy to do? Well, join eHarmony, of course. Strangely, I've seen several of these men from church on eHarmony too, which makes me think that my theories about the pressure the Church puts on singles are, at least part, spot on.
I had two dates this weekend, and I've decided maybe it's time to document these things. I've changed the names to protect the guilty.
Date A--ITman
Date A was with a man who is just over a decade older than me. I had some small concern about this, but both my roommate and my mother assured me this is not something I should be overly occupied about at this point in my life. He took me to a really nice restaurant. The food was lovely. The conversation was not. I have literally never been so bored in my entire life. I can normally carry on a conversation with almost anyone. I'm good for at least 2 hours with nearly anyone. He mentioned at least 8 times how expensive the restaurant was. I don't know if it's my Southern upbringing or what, but I find any mention of personal finance or expense in this sort of situation to be really uncomfortable. I just don't think it's appropriate. I can read the menu. Yes, I realize you chose an expensive restaurant. It's not necessary for me to have a good time with you, but I do appreciate the effort you put into this evening. Thank you. See? I am grateful (wow. I sound like a bitch. I feel bad, but I've promised myself I'll be completely honest on this blog. I need to see how much of this is me, and how much is them). No need to mention it again. For a while, I actually thought he was going to pull out the bill and show it to me.
He had strange body language, but I can't really put my finger on what was up with that. Heck, I'm an academic. I know quite a few people who have, shall we say, alternative social strategies. They are very successful, and some of them even have weird body language. But ITman's mannerisms were oddly off-putting. And, as shallow as this sounds, his laugh was like a donkey braying. The two and a half hour dinner crawled by. I'm not terribly experienced with dating people I've never met, so I made the rookie mistake of agreeing to dinner and a movie. I should have just agreed to dinner, though I did go to the movie too. Now I know. From now on I'll agree to dinner and see how it goes from there. I didn't enjoy carrying on with the date when I knew I wasn't interested. It didn't feel fair, but I didn't know what else to do without being rude. Of course, I was being rude, just in a different way. I'm building this plane in the air, people.
Date B "Preacherboy"
Date B was with a guy who is a pastor a few hours away from here. I have some concern about the logistics of dating someone I won't realistically be able to see on a weekly basis, but I'm really (despite my bitchy description of Date A) trying to be open-minded about this process. It's hard. I'm not thrilled about online dating. I would really just love for someone to notice me in my real life, think I'm lovely and worth pursuing, and go for it. But I also don't think Mr. The One is going to just show up on my doorstep. I'm trying to do my part here, but I'm really struggling with a niggling concern that online dating just doesn't work for me. Maybe it doesn't suit my personality. Maybe I can't give these men a fair chance because I've worked up so much anxiety. If online dating doesn't work for me, though, I don't know what to do. Does trusting God mean that we don't do any of the work? I don't think so. What does "doing the work" look like for me in this situation? I just don't know. I wish I did.
Preacherboy rode down to MyCity with a few of his parishioners for a game at University. The date wasn't really planned out in great detail, and I got the plan in pieces.
Him: Do you want to go to the basketball game with me?
Me: Okay, sure.
Him, two days later: Okay, well, I'll be riding down with some people.
Me: Ooookkkay....
Him, the next day: We'll be arriving around lunchtime.
Me: Okay?
Him, via text, the day of the date: Do you know where Restaurant is? We'll be there in 20 minutes.
Me: Yes. But I'm not ready yet. Can we meet for coffee after you finish with lunch?
Me, in my own head: So, is that an invite? Do I want to have lunch with you and your parishioners? No. No, I do not. Is this an audition to for Preacher's Wife????
Add to that my new discovery from last night (see Date A) that long first dates are probably a bad idea, and spending lunch, all afternoon, and then a basketball game with someone I may not hit it off with, and I was about to break out in hives. My amazing roommate talked me off the ledge. My mother offered Southern pull-back phrases I could use if I met him and couldn't stomach the thought of the game. They both (virtually, through the wonders of the cell phone and text messaging) pushed me out the door to meet him mid-afternoon for coffee. It went well. We had plenty to talk about, and I certainly wasn't bored. He did not bring his parishioners along. I decided not to back out of the basketball game. Then there was an awkward moment, where he assumed I would give him a ride to the arena, and I refused, citing my policy of not riding in cars with boys (or, at least, of not riding in cars with men I don't know well). I've known enough preachers over the years to be disabused of the notion that they are necessarily safe because of their vocation. They're men. Just like any other man. Some of them are good men and some are not. And as nice as he seems to be, he's still a stranger, he's still bigger than I am, and I'm still responsible for drawing boundaries that protect my own safety. So I told him I wouldn't drive him over. So awkward. An entire school of awkward turtles swam past as he just sat there and looked at me silently. I prompted him with a couple alternative transportation options, but I just wanted to sink into the floor. Or escape.
But they came and got him and I got in the RollerSkate and drove over to the arena. He waited on me outside and we went in. I had a pretty good time. I'm not a huge sports enthusiast, but this was a good idea for a first date. We didn't have to sit there silently (like a movie), but we didn't have to talk the entire time. Well done, Preacherboy. He mentioned feeling bad he didn't spend any money on the date (students get in free to games!), but I really feel like him coming all this way was a nice gesture, and I told him so. He suggested he'd like to come back to MyCity for us to go out again. I think I'll take him up on it. Am I super-excited? Not exactly. But I've found getting super-excited at this point is just an invitation to get hurt, so that's ok with me.
I've never been someone to "keep my options open." Mostly, I get emotionally involved and feel like I shouldn't be open to talking to other people way too early. So I'm trying something new. I'm keeping my options open. Maybe God will surprise me.
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